Is Time On Your Side?
Is Time On Your Side?
Is Time on Your Side? DBT skills teach us how to be an ally with time.
By Dr. Stacy Louk Walker
If you’re like me, you may sometimes feel at odds with time. But let me reassure you—time is not against you! If you find yourself feeling rushed, stressed, and overwhelmed by demands you can’t seem to manage, you’re in good company.
I’ll admit, this is an area where I’m still growing. As a supervisor and therapist trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), I’m a work-in-progress when it comes to navigating my relationship with time. I’ve committed to being more honest with myself about the root of my struggles, and I hope to help others who are on a similar path.
In the busyness of life, we often rush from one thing to the next, feeling like there’s never enough time to do what’s truly important. As a mom, entrepreneur, business owner, clinician, friend, yogi, and more, I completely understand. The New Year is a natural time to pause, reflect on priorities, and assess how we spend our precious time and energy. As you clarify your intentions for the year ahead, I invite you to reflect on this:
- Am I in a good relationship with time?
- Am I friendly with time?
- What would I do differently if I had all the time I needed right now?
Even those who are always early may find it helpful to examine their relationship with time. Being consistently early doesn’t automatically mean your relationship with time is ideal. In my work, I’ve often observed that early birds may be compensating for fears of being late or managing anxiety that arises when they’re not “ahead of time.” For the early arrivers among us, here are some questions to consider:
- Do I struggle to remain calm and centered if I’m not on my preferred early schedule?
- How early is “early enough”?
- Am I missing out on spontaneity by rigidly sticking to my schedule?
- Am I arriving early everywhere out of fear that something bad might happen if I don’t?
If you feel like you’re constantly at odds with time—that there’s never enough of it—it may be “time” to cultivate a new relationship with it.
DBT & Distress Tolerance Skills to the Rescue
DBT provides powerful strategies to help manage the time-crunch of life. The first step? Be honest with yourself. If you feel like time is against you, start by looking inward for solutions rather than blaming external circumstances.
Take a moment to pause, sit with a half-smile and willing hands, and reflect honestly on what’s happening.
A half-smile is a gentle, slight smile that softens tension in your face and fosters acceptance. Willing hands involve opening your palms, facing them upward or resting them gently. This body posture signals openness and readiness to accept the present moment without resistance. Take a moment to ask yourself:
- Is traffic really to blame for my stress, or do I tend to underestimate how long it takes to commute?
- Am I factoring in extra time for parking, walking in, or bathroom breaks?
- Are my kids truly ready in 30 minutes, or do they need closer to 45?
The answers to these questions often reveal patterns. We tell ourselves alternate “truths” that complicate our well-being. But here’s the bottom line: time isn’t your enemy, and neither are your kids, your commute, or other external factors.
When you practice these skills, notice the shift in your body and mind. Allow your perspective to change, free from defensiveness or judgment. This process of radical acceptance helps us face reality as it is—even when we don’t like it—and start from there.
Radical Acceptance and Priorities
Reflecting on our relationship with time often brings us back to what we value most. We all have preferences and priorities—activities that make us forget time altogether because they bring us joy. Unfortunately, most of us can’t do those things all day, every day. Instead, we struggle to accept the time we must devote to things we don’t prefer. Being honest with yourself about how much time is truly needed in any situation is the first step of radical acceptance. Next, decide what’s most important.
For example, let’s say you’re consistently late to your child’s games, and your kiddo has started noticing and calling you out on it. Naturally, you might feel defensive or justify your actions: “I’m doing all I can!” And you are—with your current perspective. But ask yourself:
- Have I subconsciously decided it’s okay to be late?
- Do my actions align with my values, or is there room for adjustment?
- If being there from the start matters to you, then it’s time to get clear on your priorities and adjust your schedule accordingly.
Take Action: Write It Down
Once you’ve clarified your priorities, write them down. Don’t skip this step! Writing out your intentions significantly increases your likelihood of following through. Studies show that people are 42% more likely to achieve their goals when they write them down.
For example, write down your intention to be on time for your child’s game. Detail the specific steps you’ll take:
- Reschedule a meeting, if necessary.
- Leave the house earlier than you think you need to.
- Build in buffer time for unexpected delays.
The act of writing makes your intentions tangible and actionable.
Turning the Mind
Finally, practice the DBT skill of turning the mind. This involves repeatedly choosing to redirect your thoughts toward your new priorities and intentions. As Henry Ford famously said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.”
Given that most of our thoughts—80%—tend to be negative by default, choosing a new perspective requires intention and perseverance. Turning the mind helps us stay aligned with our goals, even when they feel elusive.
In Summary
If you often feel like there’s not enough time, take a deep breath and remember: you’re not alone. Time isn’t your enemy, but rather a mirror reflecting your current priorities and habits. Use these DBT-inspired steps to make peace with time. Let this year be the year that changes your relationship with time and make it ally, on your side!
Ready to feel like you’re in control of your time and your life?
DBT skills can help you build a better quality of life. We offer virtual and in-person psychotherapy and skills training groups for adults, parents, and teens. New groups are forming now—call us today to begin your journey!
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